Why I will never cool at the gym

It’s that time of year again, when everyone hits the gym with a vengeance to burn off those Holiday calories and stay true to their New Year’s Resolution.  You see them bright eyed and bushy tailed in groups and alone, excited about burning calories on the eliptical, lifting weighted bars and contorting their bodies on various machines.  It’s my least favorite time to be at the gym.

I shouldn’t complain, I get 9 months in the gym more or less by myself, I just have to put up with the resolutioners for January February and March, and many of them won’t make it that far anyway. 

The most important and useful muscle in the human body is the bicep.

Shaundo and I hit the gym at 6:30 tonight and caught the end of the rush hour.  Every functional cardiovascular fitness device was in use and I got to watch a guy do every conceivable exercise possible on a squat rack other than a squat.  It gave me time to think about why I’m never going to be cool at the gym.  See my blogging pal Steve has a recurring  series about how he is never going to be a cool cyclist, though i think he’s well on his way to being the next Mario Chippolini.  Alas I will never cool at the gym, and here’s why.

I do some cardio:  The cool guys don’t touch anything that’s not a free weight. 

My shirts all have sleeves:  The cool guys get all hyped up on creatine drinks and rip the sleeves off their shirt like the hulk. 

The less cloth that makes up your shirt, the cooler you are at the gym.

I don’t spend nearly enough time on my arms:  The cool guys can spend hours doing countless variations of the curl.  

I’m weak from the waist up:  See above  

I actually sweat:  You don’t get all that hot doing curls.

My stomach:  You can be a cool guy and have a stomach but only if your squat, dead lift, and bench maxes go over s combined 1000 pounds. 

I don’t wear Under Armor to the gym:  The coolest gear is a ripped college football shirt and Under Armor pants.  I have neither.

My gym has started up group cycling classes which I’m sort of interested in, but I’m pretty sure wearing my Lycra shorts to the gym would put me in a world of uncoolness that is just one step below a speedo on the stairway to complete dorkdom.  I think I’m going to try it out anyway.  I should be like the star of the class.  Completely different from High School gym class.

About Matt Gholson

Cycling, school teaching, husband.
This entry was posted in Barn Door Cycling, lifestyle, Rants, Stories, training, Weight Loss and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Why I will never cool at the gym

  1. Steve says:

    Great, now I have to Google Mario Chippolini. I say wear the lycra and let the torn tee shirt crowd snicker away. And I pity the fool who tries to match you in spinning class!

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